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Quiz
Class clowns

By Noah Tarnow

Name the stand-up comic:
1.There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television: shit, piss, cunt, fuck, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
2.was gonna jump off a roof; they called a priest to talk to me. He said, “On your mark…”
3.People are always asking me what I am. “Are you Chinese, are you Japanese, what are you?!?” It’s not like I’m going up to white people and saying, “Are you German, are you Italian, do your parents come from Canada, what are you?!?”
4.My four-year-old asked for chocolate cake for breakfast. And I looked at the ingredients: eggs, milk, wheat—that’s nutrition!
5.I went to a hardware store. I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.
6.If your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting… If the UFO hot line limits you to one call a day… If you’ve ever been too drunk to fish…
7.Why is McDonald’s still counting? What is their goal? To have cows surrender voluntarily?
8.Hello, Muddah / Hello, Faddah / Here I am at / Camp Grenada.
9.Black men like to claim the house when they’re drunk. My father stands up in the middle of a cookout and says, “This is my house! And if you don’t like it, get the fuck out!”
10.It’s gonna take one very special woman to satisfy me. Or, a whole bunch of average ones.
Noah Tarnow hosts the Big Quiz Thing Mar 24; visit bigquizthing.com.
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