P.C. Whiffenpoof
Age: 30
Occupation: men’s magazine editor
Been watching porn for: 20 years
Collection: “It’s always changing, but I have about 30 DVDs on hand now.”

*All names have been changed to porn aliases to protect the pervy.

Standard DVD, $36, at shopvivid.com
From the beginning, there was a lot of love (bad choice of words?) for the “classic” version. “When you watch sports in HD, it’s like you’re there,” said Popper. “I’m not sure I want that for porn. I like a filter.” The filter in question is the semigrainy look of adult flicks, which Debbie was almost lacking, even in the old format. “Vivid’s movies are almost too quality to begin with,” said Callingwood, who generally favors amateur smut. While watching the standard-definition disc, our flesh fiends couldn’t help but worry about what lay ahead: “I’m already noticing some cheese on the butt,” said Spittoon during a sex scene involving a cheerleader and a casket. “That’s going to haunt us later.”

Blu-ray disc, $63, at shopvivid.com and Sony PlayStation 3 with Blu-ray player, $500, at amazon.com
Everyone agreed that the HD DVD picture was sharper than the Blu-ray one, but that worked to Blu-ray’s advantage. “For porn purposes, this is better,” said Powerful. “On the HD DVD, we just saw more balls and pimples. This just looks like a better-quality DVD.” Spittoon agreed, adding, “It’s not more erotic if it’s sharper.” But the biggest strike against Blu-ray is the price, in this case $9 more than the HD DVD and nearly $30 more than the standard disc. “The benefits don’t outweigh the price difference, and the benefits are debatable,” said Spittoon. “I don’t know if seeing a scrotum bounce is a benefit.”

HD DVD, $54, at shopvivid.com and Xbox 360 with HD DVD player, $280, at xbox.com
“The biggest problem is razor burn,” porn star Stormy Daniels told The New York Times in reference to her reservations about HD porn. Red welts were a prickly issue here, but the biggest problem—according to our boner brigade—was nut sacs. “It looks like elephant skin!” Popper shouted when Debbie star Evan Stone’s frank and beans hit the screen. “I think I can see his vas deferens,” Whiffenpoof added, not quite exaggerating. While the picture was a lot crisper in HD, it was in the close-ups of the nether regions that the change was most noticeable, and perhaps unbearable. Said Powerful, summing up everyone’s thoughts: “If I wanted to see this much roast beef, I’d go to Katz’s.”

The verdict
There was sympathy for Blu-ray, but in the end the old-school, cheaper Debbie DVD had the majority standing at attention. Said Powerful, “The high-definition balls were the deal breaker.”