Q When you’re in a relationship with a person, to what extent can you expect them to do something in bed they don’t really want to do because it gives you pleasure? I’m not talking anything really radical or extreme—actually, I’m talking about oral sex. I had a close guy friend who told me his wife wouldn’t give him blow jobs and her explanation was, “You wouldn’t want me to do something I hate, would you?” He was disappointed about this, but was willing to make this sacrifice because he loved her and was happy in the relationship. I recently got out of a two-month relationship in which the guy essentially told me the same thing. His exact words were, “I don’t do that because it makes me gag,” but this didn’t stop him from putting extreme pressure on me to do it for him. I tried to frame it to him in terms of the sex being more enjoyable for both of us when we both had orgasms, and his response was that while he preferred the woman he was with to have an orgasm, he didn’t really feel it was his responsibility to give her one. It occurred to me that I could withhold oral sex from him on the grounds that he wouldn’t do it for me, but this didn’t feel right. I mean, who wants to be in a relationship where you have to barter for intimacy? For me, his categorical refusal made me less interested in the relationship in general. Who is the selfish one? Him? Me? Both of us? Neither of us?

A I wouldn’t consider that two-month thing you were in a relationship—it was more like a hostage situation, complete with extortion and blackmail, but without the fun stuff like blindfolds and having your hands tied behind your back. Thank bloody hell you got yourself out of that one. I’ve always said you can tell a lot about a person by the way they perform oral sex. Obviously, it’s a very giving act, so the amount of effort put into it can give you an immediate idea of how much the performer cares about the receiver’s pleasure. The ban your dude put on cunnilingus means he’s off the charts in terms of selfishness. Now, to be fair, some guys just can’t deal with the in-your-face gynecological nature of the act; I’m not saying that’s right or wrong—I’m just saying that some leeway must be given to people of both genders who deem themselves too fragile (or whatever they deem themselves) to bury their face in another person’s crotch. Fine, but that doesn’t completely absolve them from tending to their significant other’s sexual needs. A good-faith effort needs to be made to see if cunnilingus or fellatio can be made non-gag-inducing for those who don’t have a penchant for it. I mean, come on, this is not some extravagant act that requires courage or the massive reduction of inhibition. Oral sex should be a given in any relationship, and if it’s not, a process needs to be started to see how it can finally be worked into the sexual repertoire.

Q I am 32 years old and a devoted fan. I want to be delicate about this, but I think something may be going on with you. In the last four or five issues, I feel you have not been yourself. Just as incisive, just as witty, but more mean. Don’t get me wrong, I love your meanness. But it usually serves a redemptive purpose, and in the last month, it’s been just mean. You are skewering. I just wanted you to know that if you are dealing with something this month, we, your readers, can handle it.

A I appreciate your concern, but I can assure you that nothing out of the ordinary is going on with me. I’m the same mix of spiritual and petty, caring and cutting, loving and lethal that I’ve always been. I don’t think I’ve been too mean to anyone lately, except for the gay dude who wrote in to talk about how straight-acting he is and how he really knows how straight guys think better than anyone else. I was way too hard on him. Not sure why. Sometimes I just go off on people—just ask the guy who was walking infuriatingly s-l-o-w-l-y into my local Starbucks the other day. It’s a personality glitch that I’m working on. (Maybe if I conquer it, I won’t receive as many e-mails that begin like this: “I have read what you have written in ‘Timout New York Magazine’ under the title ‘Get Naked.’ Because I love you as Jesus Christ loves me, I send you some verses from the Holy Bible. Please read them.”) But I’m glad you wrote in so I could have this chance to apologize to the gay dude. Sorry you got the brunt of my personality glitch, little buddy. Write back and I promise I’ll be more reasonable.

Q I’m an 18-year-old straight girl just entering my freshman year of college. I’m not a virgin, nor as inexperienced as most kids leaving the protective threshold of their parents, but I can’t help but feel like everyone here is putting up some kind of show just to score a hookup. The emphasis put on putting out is ridiculous, and I feel like I’m in a 24/7 Girls Gone Wild video. Every girl here is willing to fuck the brains out of a fratboy—I’m not. And I end up feeling dejected every time a guy realizes that he’s not going to get any ass from me tonight. Are college guys all about scoring?!? I’ve yet to meet one who isn’t. I had college friends in high school and none of them were like this at all. I think I’ve lost my faith in guys in my age group. I’m not about to transfer to Brigham Young, join a Christian youth group, start dating much older guys or whatever else seems like an immediate answer. I just need a little pick-me-up here. Lie to me. Something. Please!?!

A Don’t worry, you’ve just had a run of bad luck, and I’m sure you’re about to meet a string of 18-year-old guys who’d love to do nothing more with you than compare poetry, discuss politics and cop a nice feel for how large your brain is (hey, you told me to lie to you). The first thing you need to do is stay away from the frat guys. They’re bad news. Next, you’ve got to start hanging around the hot nerds on campus—you know, the guys who’ve had to actually develop a personality, because their musculature and visual aesthetic don’t immediately attract attention. You’re not going to be able to convince me that every single person on your campus is only interested in getting into another person’s pants, so I just think you’re still finding your bearings. Once you settle in a bit more and meet more people who look at life the way you do, I’m sure you’ll find a nice assortment of guys you can bond with on an emotional level and more.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com. Check out “Sex on the Street” with Jamie Bufalino at timeoutnewyork.com/video.