Photograph: Michael Kirby

CRIME Crappy bathroom
A gay-bar bathroom without mirrors is like Jim without Pam: totally incomplete.
VIOLATOR Boiler Room in the East Village
Deputy Rainbow took a potty break and returned looking aghast (but still fabulous). “There’s nothing worse than a mirrorless bathroom!” he yelped as he dragged Deputy Taylor and me into the crime scene to examine the evidence…but mostly to use my mirrored sunglasses to apply his lip balm. I charged manager Alec with the offense, who blamed it on destructive gay revelers: “There used to be mirrors, but people kept breaking them. Finally I just said, ‘Fuck it,’ and stopped replacing ’em.” That’s seven years’ bad-hair luck for you, buddy!

CRIME False advertising
If you’re a bartender or a go-go dancer at a gay bar, there is only one thing we ask of you: Be into wieners!
VIOLATOR Randy at the Urge in the East Village
Go-go dancer Randy may share a name with one of my deputies, but he certainly doesn’t share his sexual preference. He admits to being straight, claiming he only dons cheetah-print undies and prances on a bar for the gay cash. “It’s all fantasy,” he says, staring intently at my rack. “I do it for the money.” Deputy Taylor is not amused: “I like a hot straight boy just as much as the next gay, but I’m not paying for him to take his girlfriend out to Quiznos!” And yet, that didn’t stop Taylor from grabbing Randy’s hoagie.…

CRIME Hags without fags
To maintain equeerlibrium, the straight-gal-to-gay-man ratio should never exceed 1:1.
VIOLATOR Tammy and Alba at the Urge
Two hags sauntered into Urge without any gay companions, prompting Deputy Rainbow to pout: “I did not buy a new outfit and spend 11 hours doing my hair to be upstaged by a bunch of hot, yappy drunk chicks.” Just then, two dudes joined the women; pathetically, they were their very hetero boyfriends. Now why would you have a double date at a gay bar? “We walked by and thought it looked cozy,” said Alba. Not to mention that if things go south with their dates, they can always hook up with the go-go dancers!

For more adventures in fabulosity, go to therandyrainbowblahg.blogspot.com.

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