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1. BRONX
This week: 
Last week: 3
Reason: Feared lost, José the Beaver has returned to the Bronx River, according to environmentalists responsible for its cleanup. Says one local expert, “We’re delighted to see José again! We were worried that the ‘large furry beast’ spotted in the area might’ve been Robin Williams.”
2. BROOKLYN
This week: 
Last week: 2
Reason: Bruce Ratner’s plan for building the tallest tower in Brooklyn has been reduced to a modest 34 stories. Experts believe Ratner is suffering the tristate area’s worst case of diminished erection.
3. QUEENS
This week:
Last week: 5
Reason: Bowling in Queens may become a thing of the past as developers close in on land currently occupied by alleys. Undeterred, players are relocating to a space that offers the same cutthroat competition amid narrow lanes: Trader Joe’s.
4. STATEN ISLAND
This week: 
Last week: 1
Reason: The Staten Island Mall went green for Ecology Day last week. Visitors flocked to exhibits such as “Global Warming: How It May Jeopardize Your Perm” and “Smaller Gold Chains Mean a Smaller Carbon Footprint.”
5. STATEN MANHATTAN
This week:
Last week: 4
Reason: A pregnant bus passenger gave birth at the Port Authority. Says the new mom, “Security is so tight these days, it was easier to have the baby than prove it wasn’t a suspicious package.”
Claudia Cogan performs Mon 19 at The Night Kitchen at Jimmy’s No. 43. Check out myspace.com/claudiacogan for more details.
