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CRIME Too many vanity photos
Here’s a shot of me at da club! And here’s one of me in the mirror! And here’s me, in front of a photo of me, taken by me! I <3 Me!!!
VIOLATOR Lawrence, the Bronx
Lawrence claims to own more than 200 T-shirts, but you wouldn’t guess it from his MySpace page, which shows him in several dozen states of toplessness. “I LOVE MY BODY,” Lawrence yelled over IM, adding that he works out five days a week and buzzes his chest hair. At least we only see his vanity from the waist up.
CRIME Application overload
If you invite us to join you on the Oregon Trail one more fucking time, we’re going to hijack your wagon and kill everyone in it.
VIOLATOR Chastity, the Bronx
One of Chastity’s Facebook friends narked on the overinviter for forwarding “everything and anything.” The evidence is in her minifeed, which is littered with applications like “Dr. Phil’s Personality Test” and “What Kind of Monster Are You?” Confronted with the violation, the perp typed this: “Those applications force you to fwd to a certain amount of friends in order to get your results!” You don’t need apps for that, Chas—even I can tell you that you’re an obsessive-compulsive nonsense-forwarding devil-beast.
CRIME Excessive poking
Jabbing someone with your cyber finger is just as annoying as doing it with a real digit.
VIOLATOR Ashley, Brooklyn
“Poking is not a crime!” pleaded Ashley, who not only pokes but superpokes “3–4 times a day.” She says she loves it because it’s a passive-aggressive way to act out urges. “One time I even mass ‘hooked-up’ with everyone on my friends list, and my fiancé didn’t even get mad!” Let’s see how he feels after you poke him with chlamydia, hmm?
CRIME Overly pimped profiles
Between the blinking graphics and blaring music—your page is so gaudy, it’d make Liberace cringe.
VIOLATOR RoXy RoX, Brooklyn
Psychedelic lights and fluorescent paint splashes decorate RoXy RoX’s MySpace page, so if you’re prone to seizures, don’t visit unless someone is nearby to pull your tongue out of your airway. “I love my blinking profile!” says RoXy. “People complained, so I made it even more blinky. Now people say it gives them headaches!” Isn’t the point of social networking to make friends, RoXy, not DriVe TheM AwAy?!?
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